~ Captivated ~

Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendour
You’re close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away…

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You

This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away…
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can’t look away…

[Vicky Beeching]

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Last weekend I went to my last winter retreat as a CCFer. It was cold, and then too hot, and then there were hornets (don't even ask)...and I just wanted to go home. But thank the Lord I didn't. The Spirit utterly rocked that premises. Thank you Jesus for speaking to me. Thank you Jesus for seeing me - all of me - and loving me the same. Thank you for interrupting my self down-ward spiral of circle walking. I can walk straight now because my eyes are back on you. I am not worthy to look at you my Lord - it is only possible by grace - and yet you died just so I could look directly at you. And so I will. I don't know how...but you are faithful. You will show me how. Just don't let me look away again Lord - living a life with artificial fruit. I am free from the bondage of sin. I am free because I am no longer condemned. Help me to live this freedom - freedom to walk this life eye-to-eye every single moment beside you. Amen.

...lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

~Hebrews 12: 1-2

~Blazing the trail ~

I’m almost certain nobody reads this anymore, and who can blame them since I am such an infrequent updater. And yet today, I am in the mood to blog, and so I shall, if not for the benefit of anyone else but myself…and a record for posterity!

So here I am in 4B of my undergrad…

…

…sniffles...

…how is it that I can be so happy and content, and so melancholy at the exact same time? I just need to keep reminding myself to thank God for my time here in Waterloo, and trust His wisdom that I’ll be okay as I leave this place, and follow the path He has laid out for me. I am so excited to pursue this new path in Global Health, but so attached to the people that God has brought into my life over the course of my time here and on co-op. Alas…my heart is heavy.

Perhaps the biggest blessing this term is living with Victoria again. It’s so great that we are in the same city, after a whole year! We aren’t that great at keeping in touch, which makes the separation harder, however because Jesus is the foundation of our friendship, it can withstand distance and time. It is comforting to know that she’s right on the other side of the wall, and that we can support each other in prayer, and push each other to seek God and push harder in our faith. Praise the Lord!

Being a Devotional Leader in CCF has been the most surprising blessing of these past few months. It really goes to show that often the things we are the most afraid to do for God and the things that if we obey, help us grow the most. Of all the positions I’ve held on committee, this has been my favourite. I really enjoy that it is actually part of my “job” to pore over the Bible and pray with people! And most of all it has really helped me develop a special friendship with Alison that I cherish very much. I also got to know Kevin and what his heart is for much better than before (even though I’ve known him since second year!). Finally, another thing about being a DL is that it hasn’t felt like work. People tell me that I serve a lot in CCF. I guess I forget after each time somebody says that, because it seems so much like where I’m supposed to be.

Another surprising blessing was when the Project Manager from the International Tobacco Control Project hired me as a part-time assistant. I had been volunteering there since October, but now I am getting paid. This is a reminder of how God provides. I was in a bit of a tension because I felt like I should get a small job this term, but knew I couldn’t because my volunteering with ITC was more important for my future (and much more interesting!). Then God provided the perfect solution…turn my volunteering into my job for me! Working at ITC has been so encouraging. I have been able to make real contributions. My work and opinion are valued there, even though I’m just a nobody who knows relatively nothing about public health or policy. But I can tell you I know a lot more now than I did a couple months ago!

Grad school applications are due in 2 weeks. This is it…this is really it. It is real now. It is time to make the very most of the opportunities I have with people here while I still can. But how can I leave a place that has saved my life? This place that God used to completely transform my character and spiritual walk? Unlike high school, if somebody told me to do undergrad again, I would. But I know that this is not what God wants for me. I know He wants me to trust Him and go forward. I can’t be like Lot’s wife. And yet I must also trust that God will help me bring with me the love and friendships that I have made during my time here. Such love need not be restricted by time and space. It just is a whole lot easier when everybody lives less than a 15 minute walk away!

Wow…ramble, ramble, ramble. This stuff has been spinning inside me for a while. I could write about this for hours, but it will get me nowhere. The biggest struggle from here to April will to be PRESENT…not to be daydreaming about the future, nor continuously revisiting the past, and in so doing, miss out on the gifts and tasks that God has given me NOW.

And so…I pause.